Dark Night of the Soul

Loreena McKennitt - The dark night of the soul

Upon a darkened night
the flame of love was burning in my breast
And by a lantern bright
I fled my house while all in quiet rest

Shrouded by the night
and by the secret stair I quickly fled
The veil concealed my eyes
while all within lay quiet as the dead

Chorus
Oh night thou was my guide
oh night more loving than the rising sun
Oh night that joined the lover
to the beloved one
transforming each of them into the other

Upon that misty night
in secrecy, beyond such mortal sight
Without a guide or light
than that which burned so deeply in my heart

That fire t'was led me on
and shone more bright than of the midday sun
To where he waited still
it was a place where no one else could come

Chorus

Within my pounding heart
which kept itself entirely for him
He fell into his sleep
beneath the cedars all my love I gave
And by the fortress walls
the wind would brush his hair against his brow
And with its smoothest hand
caressed my every sense it would allow

Chorus

I lost myself to him
and laid my face upon my lovers breast
And care and grief grew dim
as in the mornings mist became the light
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair

---

Loreena writes in the CD booklet about this song:

May, 1993 - Stratford ... have been reading through the poetry of 15th century Spain, and I find myself drawn to one by the mystic writer and visionary St. John of the Cross; the untitled work is an exquisite, richly metaphoric love poem between himself and his god. It could pass as a love poem between any two at any time ... His approach seems more akin to early Islamic or Judaic works in its more direct route to communication to his god ... I have gone over three different translations of the poem, and am struck by how much a translation can alter our interpretation. Am reminded that most holy scriptures come to us in translation, resulting in a diversity of views.

Music by Loreena McKennitt
Lyrics by St. John of the Cross (San Juan de la Cruz), arr. and adapted by Loreena McKennitt
From: The mask and mirror (1994).

I used this song this morning in my spiritual formation group. I was supposed to present the spiritual discipline of solitude.

This song speaks to me especially because I feel like the last 1.5 years have been the darkest years of my life. I have worked a normal full time job. I moved to a new place. I was forced to make new friends. I found a new church. I quit my job. I decided to go out west. I went back to school. I made new friends again. I started a new life.

I find myself constantly bogged down amidst the business of life. My mom says that I am just like her. "I never have enough to do and am constantly adding things on." I have more reading and writing that I will ever be able to do. My problem is that I am also fairly involved in my church. I get to church early to help set up a couple times a month. I stay late after church to eat dinner with my friends. I am very unwilling to turn down "being in community" to study, read, or write. I am not a good student. I could be, but recently I just haven't had the drive. I'm not sure what has changed. I just feel extremely worn down.

This morning refreshed my mind and my spirit. Listening to that song reminded me that in the darkness of night, God can heal.

I feel like I am such on edge right now. Last night I had a confrontation that really set me off and pushed me over the edge. It shouldn't have bothered me, but I ended up snapping at two of my friends rather harshly and got really frustrated. I had to just walk away. I took a shower and went straight to bed. I tried to read, but realized that I just need to let God envelop me for a moment.

The last verse:

I lost myself to him
and laid my face upon my lovers breast
And care and grief grew dim
as in the mornings mist became the light
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair

Losing myself to God. What does that look like? What does it mean? Last night it meant laying in my bed and crying out to him for help. How often do I cry out to God? Last night I was angry, I was desperate, I needed my savior. I always need my savior and it is one thing that I too often overlook. I know that this post seems dim and depressing, but its not. It is in God that I find a glimmer of hope. I don't know who reads this, but I am writing this today for me and all of the other people who are amidst the "Dark Night of the Soul."

Richard Foster in Celebration of Discipline challenges us to live into the silence, and live into the moments.

He writes "The dark night is one of the ways God brings us into a hush, a stillness so that he may work an inner transformation upon the soul."

Missing the Canyon

I have been away from Bryce Canyon for about 6 1/2 months. I began looking at some pictures last night of my adventures and realized how extremely lucky and blessed that I was to have experienced Bryce Canyon.

Things I miss the most:

Hoodoos

The General Store

Ruby's

Ruby's Campground Hot Tub

Off-roading

The Pizza Place

My Bryce Canyon Family

Sheeeeweeeeeee

Checking for stupid ID's in the gen. store

Hiking

Preaching

Meeting tons of random people every day

Getting a threat written on my door

Watching the Office

Playing spades

Talking on the phone all the time

The Silence

The Solitude

I know that I wrote about Solitude before, but I think that it is the thing that I have truly missed the most about Bryce. In the past few weeks I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed by the exhaustion and messiness of school. Sometimes I wish I just would have stayed out West. Life seemed so much simpler this summer. Utah is the most beautiful place I have ever been with some of the most interesting people. I spend all my time inside, reading, watching tv, trying to sleep. I honestly just want to hike. Not even that I want to hike because I could do that here, but I simply desire to be in the canyon. The red rock, the tall pines, the blistering sun, the hail storms, the sandy dried up river beds. That is where I desire to be. Working 8 hours a day and forgetting about it.

Looking back, I feel like I wished away my summer. I longed to come home to Durham. I longed to see a girl. I longed to be in the real world. Looking back, I wish I would have gone up to the rim of the canyon just one more time. I wish I would have gone on one more hike through the towering pillars of red rock and sandstone. I miss the stars. Millions, billions, or stars. Here I never even look up because there is nothing to see. This summer, every night I would drive back to my dorm I would get out of my truck and be astounded by the beauty in the sky. I was amazed every single time. I miss being able to just be alone. Not that I can't do that here, but its just not the same.

I long for the sense of self that I gained this summer. I was finally able to exceed my own expectations, I was able to in a sense recreate myself. I was finally able to be the person I desire to be and the person God desires me to be. I really miss being in a place where no one has preconceived notions of who you are or what to expect from you.

Last summer, was the best summer of my life. I gained of sense of who I am, who God wants me to be and was able to truly experience solitude in a way that allowed me to truly be in communion with God.

Amazing Summer!!!

Wow, its been a long time since I have updated this. Things have been going well and crazy at the same time. Our Internet is pretty unreliable and my computer is now being shipped off to be fixed by Apple.
no excuse for not writing more, but oh well.

Things with the ministry in the park have been fantastic. Dan and I get along really well and it has been nice to have such great support from our friends and co-workers. Our group of friends hang out all the time and there is a pretty group of about 7 employees that consistently come to Sunday services. I have really enjoyed preaching every other week, since one of our team members left we have had much more face time during the services.

Preaching is interesting. It is something that I enjoy and that I think I do well at, but is very taxing and takes a lot out of me. Maybe if I would plan ahead a little more and stop waiting til the last minute it wouldn't take so much out of me.

I only have two weeks left and have so much still to do. We had the best weekend ever camping in Zion National Park. My friends, Dan, Rebecca, Christine, and Shi-Wei all went camping. We hiked Angel's Landing (pictures to come), and then found an awesome unknown swimming hole. It was on a tiny little creek, but was about 8 feet deep and we had a 7 foot rock to jump off of. We had to actually climb over huge rocks and boulders to get up to it, and even climbed through a small waterfall to get there. The campsite was amazing as well because we were right next to the Virgin River and allowed us to cool off very quickly after setting up our camp.

We have so much fun that we are headed back on Sunday after church and are taking two more employees with us, who are two Taiwanese students who have been coming to our bible study. I am really excited about them coming. We are going to hike the Narrows which is a small gorge about 10 feet wide at the widest point, I think and has cliffs above us about 200o feet high. It is going to be a great weekend.

And next weekend my parents will be out here for a few days to see Zion and come to visit Bryce as well. There are so many things to do before I leave. I am sad about leaving, but at the same time am extremely excited and anxious to get home to all see all my friends and church family.

This has been the best summer of my life and the best decision I ever made was to come out here to Bryce Canyon National Park..Once in a lifetime type of experience..ok.back to work and more to come later..

Pictures

For those of you who don't have facebook. Here are links to all of my pictures that I have posted so far. Enjoy and I promise I will write soon. I have been busy doing ministry stuff, working all the time, getting promoted, and trying to get financial aid for Duke. Thanks for all the support and prayer.

Willis Creek Narrows
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2033047&id=70700373&l=d95360ca19

The General Store
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2033046&id=70700373&l=0d7da0e007

Calf Creek Falls
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2032952&id=70700373&l=3e51151d11

Cedar City Trip and Sunset
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2032881&id=70700373&l=81abba9142

Bryce Canyon #1
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2032249&id=70700373&l=76948c62db

There are a lot more to come, I just haven't had time to upload them yet.

It's been a while

Sorry, its been so long since my last post. Our internet has been down in my dorm for about 5 days now and before that I just kept forgetting to come and write. I have a lot to say, but will try and keep this short and then write more tomorrow.

Since last time I updated a ton has happened. I have made some great friends and I really feel like I have a family here of sorts. The "girls" as I like to refer to them as, are Kelsey, Rebecca, and Christine. Christine showed up about a week ago and we have been pretty much best friends since we met. I spend most of my nights hanging out with them and my roommate/ministry partner Dan. We usually watch movies or play pointless games such as Dominoes, Phase Ten, and hopefully Spades as soon as I teach them to play. I really feel like I am in college again, except no papers or homework. I spend my days working and then at night we all usually end up hanging out. They really have become my best friends and its amazing that when you are put into a situation where you don't know anyone how fast you can get to know people. I also feel very blessed by God to have met them because they are very much like me and we all pretty have the same system of beliefs. We are also about the only people here that don't drink, smoke, and party, which is most of the employees here. I'm trying to build relationship with people outside that group, but it has been very challenging because of the fact that I don't really drink, smoke or party. It seems that that goes on a lot here and its hard to break into the group unless you are a part of that. Slowly, but surely though we are dragging some of them into our lives and adventures.

We recently found probably that best pizza place ever and I think are going to make it a Sunday night tradition to go there. They have a great deal where you can get a large pizza, an order of cheesy bread and 4 drinks for $24.99. My hope is that this group that goes for pizza only gets bigger and can begin to include more and more employees. This last week I dragged my friend along that I work with, who is not a Christian, but interested and open in talking about his beliefs. It was great and I think he is beginning to realize that we aren't all that lame and can have fun all the same. He comes from a church background, but was very hurt by some things that happened in his church earlier in life and therefore doesn't give religion much of a chance due to his experience.

My job is going very well. It's nice and relaxing and I love meeting all the different people that come through, especially if they are from North Carolina or Florida. I actually met a couple that goes to a United Methodist Church in Greensborough, NC and everything just short of offered me an internship at the church, but gave me their contact info for when I get back to Durham...crazy I know! This last week we had 5 people at our 8am freezing cold outdoor service (40 degrees!!!!) and then 12 people at our 10am much more comfortable service at the Bryce Canyon Lodge. I spoke this last week about experiencing silence and solitude in our lives, which is from my last post. It went well and everyone was very encouraging.

I spend most of my days off exploring the area surrounding Bryce Canyon. I will post some pictures, but we have hiked to some slot canyons, been offroading in my truck a couple of times ( I promise we are careful, Dad), hiked to Calf's Creek Falls, and drove to Cedar City and back (saw the most awesome sunset ever). Every weekend is going to be a new adventure and I am taking advantage of every opportunity to get out and explore and hike. There is nothing like it in the world and I couldn't ask for a better way to spend my summer.

Ok, thats enough for now. Thanks for all the prayers.

Also my mailing address is :

Brett Fox
PO Box 640320
Bryce, UT 84764

If you would like to send a package:
The address is:

Brett Fox
Bryce Canyon Lodge
Hwy 63
Bryce, UT 84764

If you would like, I would appreciate care packages. I like cherry peel and eat twizzlers, jolly ranchers, goldfish, and most anything else you would like to send...also Duke paraphernalia would be awesome as well, mainly to irritate Kelsey who goes to UNC.

More to come later....

Enjoying the Silence

I have been here for about 4 days. I have already met some very interesting people. The employees are an extremely eclectic group of individuals. They all have the unique personalities and quirks. This sort of thing happens I guess when you bring a group of people together that are transient people or seasonal workers. They may work at the Ski Resorts during the winter and then come down to work in the National Parks during the summer. I wish I could live like that, on the road, living out off of what I can fit in my car. It's seems so amazing to have that kind of freedom. Honestly, though I feel like I would miss the community that you can experience when you live in the same place for a while. I already miss Durham a lot and really miss Emmaus Way. There are a few other people here that I know are Christians and a few that I think might be on the edge, but are really just searching for anything. I have really enjoyed my time here.

Yesterday, I went hiking on Peekaboo Loop. This trail was about 5 miles long, dove 1500 feet into the canyon and then we had to climb back out at the end. It was pretty brutal at times. It drizzled rain most of the day yesterday which turns red clay in to a weird sticky mud. My boots had an average of about 1-2 inches of mud on them at all times which made hiking intersting considering my feet felt like the weighed about 10 lbs more than usual. I went with 3 other people. Victor, who is from Thailand, Rebecca, who is from Montana, and Kelsey, who by my surprise is from Charlotte, NC and goes to UNC @ Chapel Hill. I was slightly amazed when I found that out and we had an instant connection because of the fact that we basically live in the same town. It's so amazing that I can drive 40 hours across the country only to find someone who drove the same 40 hours only a week before me. I really enjoyed the hike. There weren't many tourists out hiking because of the rain so it really gave us some time to be alone. The only thing we heard most of the time was the squich and squelch of our muddy boots.

Friday night after work, I decided to go on a walk by myself to read, journal, and mainly just get away from everything for a few minutes. I wandered upon a trail called queens garden. For one of the few moments in my life I experienced true silence. It was in this silence that I was really able to clear my mind and begin to hear God. While I sit up on a hill in the canyon in dead silence listening to God, I just imagined all the hustle and bustle going on elsewhere in the world. It's amazing to me that I can just sit and listen to beautiful silence in the shade of the canyon, while other people are running around with always something else to do, fighting through traffic, fighting with their spouse, fighting with their church. I feel like there is always something to do no matter where we are in life. There is always another appointment to get to, another paper to turn in, another person to keep in touch with. Why don't we take more time for ourselves? Why do we get so caught up in this world that we forget to take time to simply sit in silence with God? I am the first to admit that I am terrible at this, it is a lot easier for me to sit in front of a computer or tv and find something to take up my time. One of my goals when I get back to Durham is going to be take time every day or so, simply to get away and rest in silence. I would encourage anyone, no matter where you are or what you are doing to take advantage of any time that God provides for you to find silence. It is in the silence that we can truly hear God and truly understand what it is that God wants for our life.

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