Dark Night of the Soul

Loreena McKennitt - The dark night of the soul

Upon a darkened night
the flame of love was burning in my breast
And by a lantern bright
I fled my house while all in quiet rest

Shrouded by the night
and by the secret stair I quickly fled
The veil concealed my eyes
while all within lay quiet as the dead

Chorus
Oh night thou was my guide
oh night more loving than the rising sun
Oh night that joined the lover
to the beloved one
transforming each of them into the other

Upon that misty night
in secrecy, beyond such mortal sight
Without a guide or light
than that which burned so deeply in my heart

That fire t'was led me on
and shone more bright than of the midday sun
To where he waited still
it was a place where no one else could come

Chorus

Within my pounding heart
which kept itself entirely for him
He fell into his sleep
beneath the cedars all my love I gave
And by the fortress walls
the wind would brush his hair against his brow
And with its smoothest hand
caressed my every sense it would allow

Chorus

I lost myself to him
and laid my face upon my lovers breast
And care and grief grew dim
as in the mornings mist became the light
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair

---

Loreena writes in the CD booklet about this song:

May, 1993 - Stratford ... have been reading through the poetry of 15th century Spain, and I find myself drawn to one by the mystic writer and visionary St. John of the Cross; the untitled work is an exquisite, richly metaphoric love poem between himself and his god. It could pass as a love poem between any two at any time ... His approach seems more akin to early Islamic or Judaic works in its more direct route to communication to his god ... I have gone over three different translations of the poem, and am struck by how much a translation can alter our interpretation. Am reminded that most holy scriptures come to us in translation, resulting in a diversity of views.

Music by Loreena McKennitt
Lyrics by St. John of the Cross (San Juan de la Cruz), arr. and adapted by Loreena McKennitt
From: The mask and mirror (1994).

I used this song this morning in my spiritual formation group. I was supposed to present the spiritual discipline of solitude.

This song speaks to me especially because I feel like the last 1.5 years have been the darkest years of my life. I have worked a normal full time job. I moved to a new place. I was forced to make new friends. I found a new church. I quit my job. I decided to go out west. I went back to school. I made new friends again. I started a new life.

I find myself constantly bogged down amidst the business of life. My mom says that I am just like her. "I never have enough to do and am constantly adding things on." I have more reading and writing that I will ever be able to do. My problem is that I am also fairly involved in my church. I get to church early to help set up a couple times a month. I stay late after church to eat dinner with my friends. I am very unwilling to turn down "being in community" to study, read, or write. I am not a good student. I could be, but recently I just haven't had the drive. I'm not sure what has changed. I just feel extremely worn down.

This morning refreshed my mind and my spirit. Listening to that song reminded me that in the darkness of night, God can heal.

I feel like I am such on edge right now. Last night I had a confrontation that really set me off and pushed me over the edge. It shouldn't have bothered me, but I ended up snapping at two of my friends rather harshly and got really frustrated. I had to just walk away. I took a shower and went straight to bed. I tried to read, but realized that I just need to let God envelop me for a moment.

The last verse:

I lost myself to him
and laid my face upon my lovers breast
And care and grief grew dim
as in the mornings mist became the light
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair

Losing myself to God. What does that look like? What does it mean? Last night it meant laying in my bed and crying out to him for help. How often do I cry out to God? Last night I was angry, I was desperate, I needed my savior. I always need my savior and it is one thing that I too often overlook. I know that this post seems dim and depressing, but its not. It is in God that I find a glimmer of hope. I don't know who reads this, but I am writing this today for me and all of the other people who are amidst the "Dark Night of the Soul."

Richard Foster in Celebration of Discipline challenges us to live into the silence, and live into the moments.

He writes "The dark night is one of the ways God brings us into a hush, a stillness so that he may work an inner transformation upon the soul."

Missing the Canyon

I have been away from Bryce Canyon for about 6 1/2 months. I began looking at some pictures last night of my adventures and realized how extremely lucky and blessed that I was to have experienced Bryce Canyon.

Things I miss the most:

Hoodoos

The General Store

Ruby's

Ruby's Campground Hot Tub

Off-roading

The Pizza Place

My Bryce Canyon Family

Sheeeeweeeeeee

Checking for stupid ID's in the gen. store

Hiking

Preaching

Meeting tons of random people every day

Getting a threat written on my door

Watching the Office

Playing spades

Talking on the phone all the time

The Silence

The Solitude

I know that I wrote about Solitude before, but I think that it is the thing that I have truly missed the most about Bryce. In the past few weeks I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed by the exhaustion and messiness of school. Sometimes I wish I just would have stayed out West. Life seemed so much simpler this summer. Utah is the most beautiful place I have ever been with some of the most interesting people. I spend all my time inside, reading, watching tv, trying to sleep. I honestly just want to hike. Not even that I want to hike because I could do that here, but I simply desire to be in the canyon. The red rock, the tall pines, the blistering sun, the hail storms, the sandy dried up river beds. That is where I desire to be. Working 8 hours a day and forgetting about it.

Looking back, I feel like I wished away my summer. I longed to come home to Durham. I longed to see a girl. I longed to be in the real world. Looking back, I wish I would have gone up to the rim of the canyon just one more time. I wish I would have gone on one more hike through the towering pillars of red rock and sandstone. I miss the stars. Millions, billions, or stars. Here I never even look up because there is nothing to see. This summer, every night I would drive back to my dorm I would get out of my truck and be astounded by the beauty in the sky. I was amazed every single time. I miss being able to just be alone. Not that I can't do that here, but its just not the same.

I long for the sense of self that I gained this summer. I was finally able to exceed my own expectations, I was able to in a sense recreate myself. I was finally able to be the person I desire to be and the person God desires me to be. I really miss being in a place where no one has preconceived notions of who you are or what to expect from you.

Last summer, was the best summer of my life. I gained of sense of who I am, who God wants me to be and was able to truly experience solitude in a way that allowed me to truly be in communion with God.